1. Every so often, I hear a song, not necessarily for the first time, it may be a song I’ve heard thousands of times before, but every so often I’ll hear a song and it’ll really just hit me. Hit me hard. Two songs have done that in the past couple of weeks, those being fix you by Coldplay and your heart is an empty room by death cab for cutie. Specifically the lines:
When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
when you get what you want, but not what you need
when you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
And
And all you see is where else you could be when you’re at home
and out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone
I never understood it before when people would say that music spoke to them or made them feel something, yadda yadda yadda, but now I get it.
2. Secondly, I realized a few different things today: If I’m not constantly occupied, if even for a few moments I’m just lying on the couch, I feel disappointed in myself, like I need to be doing something, like I have to be. I know that it’s quite necessary to have some down time but I guess I just don’t feel like I deserve it. I also realized that I’m a people pleaser, that I know what I want but not how to get there, that I’m scared because I don’t know where I’m going. Not knowing isn’t the scary part, that would be perfectly fine if there were at least some kind of possibilities for me but I don’t feel like there are, not at this point anyway. I’m really just trying to get through each day, make it to the evening where I can fall asleep and hope for a better tomorrow.
3. I need to get out of here, move away for at least a little while, experience something new, loose myself, find myself, gain perspective, figure out who I am, who I want to be. Figure out what I really what, figure out what it is that makes me feel the way I do. Decide. Decide what to do, decided what I really want. I feel like it’s nearly impossible to do any of that where I live now but I have no way of leaving, no escape, no way out. It’s not terrible here, it’s just not for me. That’s kind of been my mantra for every single thing that I’ve gotten myself into, it’s always my reason for leaving “it’s just not for me”. Well then what is?
