normal people, people with a life have good days and bad days. Me? I have okay days and I have bad days. An okay day is any day that I don’t cry, any day that I don’t think too much, or maybe on the really okay days I read something nice, or watch something good on TV. A bad day is when I cry, when I stay in bed too long, when I feel worthless. It wasn’t always like this. I remember having good days. The days where I’d get a bunch of compliments on my outfit, the days when I would talk to my ~*~* secret crush ~*~*, the days when I got an A on my test or the days that I just laughed a lot. I don’t laugh too much anymore, not a real, uncontrollable, brings tears to your eyes and makes your stomach hurt laugh. More like a haha laugh, a haha because I have nothing else to say, or because I don’t know what to say or because I’m uncomfortable or because you think your joke was funny so I’m just trying to humor you. And god I sound like such a negative asshole of a person right now but I can’t help it. I can’t just snap my fingers and make everything better, partially because I don’t even know how to snap correctly. The point is that I’m just so goddamn sick of it all. I’ll take the bad days, fine, okay, whatever, I just want to remember what a good day feels like. What it feels like to lie in bed at night and smile for god’s sake. All I ever do now is think think think think think. Think about this, think about that, think about everything happening, think about everything that’s worrying me, think about everywhere I wish I was, everyone I wish I was with. Instead I’m always alone, always here in this stupid lonely town, always just thinking. I’m not going to say I have bad luck, and I’m not going to blame my situation on anyone, but that also means that I don’t blame it on myself, I don’t. I’m doing what I can to get by, I’m trying so fucking hard each second of each day of each month to find something, anything to help. I look, listen, read, and do anything I can ever possibly think of that could help me in any way at all and nothing changes.
Forget all of that above, to sum it up, I feel like everyone else has something, or somewhere, or someone. Here I am, just me, by myself, alone. Hey.
